How I Learned to Trust God

Anyone who has had trauma is leery of people and I had a lot of it. God is not people. God is loving, and merciful. Do you know the Hebrew word for mercies is rachamim. It translates endless Mercies....Mercies as far as the East is to the West. There is no East West Pole it just continues on & on...Wow right?!?!?! Glory to God.

I was anxious from the trauma that I suffered as a kid, then I was given a second heaping dose from a "Community" and I use that term lightly. I had healed so much over the years from scars but we have cell memory and because of that things not only got triggered that caused severe panic for me, my children who had no trauma started to experience PTSD and panic attacks. "Community"? debatable. Thank God for God! Thank God for Rachamim and Thank God for healing which he has done. They have no clue what is means to be a community and in fact, they gave my family PTSD and we had to go for therapy. What they didn't know was that God wasn't going to let anything happen to us, yes we suffered a lot but we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

This is where my relationship with the Lord became strong. Through this I was able to trust God. “God is not a man, that He should lie, Nor a son of man, that He should repent. Has He said, and will He not do? Or has He spoken, and will He not make it good? Now anyone who had a dad who was abusive has a hard time trusting a Father especially one that they cannot see with their eyes. Its in our mind that gets confused. For the record, I love my dad he was imperfect and he is in heaven. He was very sick and I forgave him for the way he was when he was under the influence. I am not saying this to bad-mouth him or expose anything as I believe he had a good heart and that I am a lot like him (I am sober since his wake) I mean he was kind and he did a lot of things from his heart but that was many, many years ago because sober he was kind, and calm. This blog isn't about him. I love him very much and I forgave him. In fact on his death bed I was with him, I gave him hospice, I gave him love and I let him die with dignity because he deserved it. The devil had a strong-hold on him and if I had all the knowledge I have today I would have warred in prayer for my father, but I didn't know how then, I prayed but not sure what I was doing and I have no regrets because in the eyes of the Lord I forgave them and I honor my parents. My mom is a whole other story and I won't get into that because I love her and I know she loved Jesus. They died 18 months apart a long with my grandfather, but I digress. The Lord has healed me from many things and I'm grateful because truthfully all these experiences have made me a better friend, mother, wife, sister and aunt. I love me and that is only because of Jesus. Jesus taught me how to do these things, love me, forgive people who suck and to love more like Jesus loves. I have needed him every step of the way and I'm not ashamed. In a therapy session the counselor said, the Holy Spirit wanted to tell me something so I was like ok. God said that he was always with me, that t he never left me. I never told another living soul that I always wondered if God forgot about me. I didn't really understand who the Holy Spirit was of his roll. I thought God was angry at me, I felt that I was going to hell and this might make a few people mad, I was raised Catholic and in the bible it says you must be born again. I believe Gods word to be true and I am born again. So this community I hated them, they stole $2,404.87 in beach dues. They went around the law repeatedly. They tried to do everything in their power to take my home and arrest my husband based on his past which is illegal. As far as people go wow they are very lost. What is more sad is they are missing out big time. You reap what you sow and for them I have watched their lives pretty much fall apart. As for me and my family we now have two houses. As I type that I smile, and I say Thank You God. I'm so grateful. I rent out the house now because God makes your enemies watch as he blesses you right in front of them. Ahh God is Good all the time. It's not what I expected, but I have so much peace. I grew up in the ghetto there is no home buying let alone owning two. I should not be here and here I am. Glory to God!

I was saved at 17ish (I forget the young age honestly). We had demons in our house. Yes demons, the fallen angels that got cast out of heaven with Lucifer. All kinds of crazy things were happening and I was told to cast it out in Jesus name so I did. My mom used to watch TBN at night and I came into her room. I was too old to be scared or need my mommy, but we do and now that she's gone I wish I had her more now. You see the things I saw and you will make a doody. I was so scared. There was a pastor on and I said a prayer. What I realized was they were still there but they could no longer terrorize me. I didn't understand 100 percent but I didn't care. The name of Jesus was powerful, it made demons tremble and that was enough for me.

I was suffering and praying. I would have multiple panic attacks sometimes being in a state of panic which felt like for days....I heard 7 times go back to church and being raised in a "snoozy" kind of church you have a certain expectation. In fact the morning I went I really did not want to go to church. My thought it was boring, what I wanted was God and God experiences, supernatural and I thought church ZZZZ. Just being honest. I went to a non-denominational church and it was awesome. I started hearing the Holy Spirit minster in my spirit and I started to really connect with God. Now I had hung out with some rough people and I saw lots of things that would make most people run. I had changed so drastically I had to look up why. It's called regeneration. It's coming in contact with the one and only true God. It changes you. I was so happy and free. I had a long period where God supernaturally stopped all the panic. I would listen to sermon after sermon and just drink in every bit of Jesus because he is amazing. You can't help but love him, and he just kept stalking me. Jesus kept telling me I was his daughter and he loved me. I wasn't really getting it for a while I couldn't even worship in church because I couldn't connect like most people. I knew that God was not going to give up on me so I shouldn't either. I realized that I had a bunch of gifts my whole life and that at point of time I had been hearing the Holy Spirit. Its like a radio station you just need to tune in. Being born again is having an intimate personal relationship with the creator and it's awesome. There is no other way to explain.

I would try to soak in the Holy Spirit. I lay down in a quiet spot. I use meditation but not the kind where you leave your body that is satanic. I picture me and Jesus on the beach, the sounds the smell and him with me just hanging out with me. He kept calling me daughter, then through a Steven Furtick video explained what daughter meant. This is not my video I just wanted to point that out. Jesus stalked me when I was running and he loved me when I felt unloveable. Jesus kept pursuing me and he called me daughter.